Or so I used to sing to annoy my sister. :) Love ya sis!
So we needed to increase our income and Fixitman was already booked. 13 hours of graduate classes and a research assistantship already kept him gone most days until 8 or 9pm. So I applied for various part time jobs and tried to get more tutoring, both in person and online. But it wasn't working out the way I hoped.
Moms who homeschool, work at home and cook from scratch and keep a semblance of a clean home amaze me. Because I couldn't do it. I could not be 3 people at once. I tried and tried to make calendars and organize myself better but the long and short of it was I could either homeschool my kids the way I wanted OR I could work OR I could cook and clean my home the way I wanted. In the past, when work wasn't part of the equation, I have let cleaning slide or incorporated it into the kids' day. But the new variable of needing to work was too much. I just couldn't do it all. I tried for over a month. I'm pretty stubborn. I would still be trying if it were my decision. I like hitting my head against brick walls I guess.
I either worked and the kids played/watched movies a bunch and half heartedly did some schoolwork or I did the homeschooling thoroughly and was happy during the day but increasingly worried about our finances at night. This was my struggle. My unsolvable problem. I considered night jobs, Fixitman considered night jobs. We talked and I applied for jobs and yet things were not getting better. We prayed and fasted and went to the temple. We looked for guidance from our Heavenly Father.
You might wonder about our decision to have Fixitman go back to school right now and to move here. It did not make ANY sense on paper or logically. Especially when our financial plans for how to pay for school fell thru. Several times. It was completely based on following promptings from the spirit. We felt like it was what we were supposed to do. It was scary and unknown and took a lot of faith to make the move. But we did it and I can tell you that we KNOW we are where we are supposed to be, and that Fixitman is supposed to be in school. We have had many little things testify that this is the path we are supposed to be on.
However it still didn't solve the whole financial crisis thing. Bills needed to be paid, and we've got this thing about integrity. We believe in being honest and keeping our commitments. So I had to get a better job than just tutoring. The answer I got to my prayers was in the Book of Mormon in Mosiah 10:5 "And I did cause that the women should spin, and toil, and work" To me it was like Heavenly Father said it was okay for me to work. That my willingness to work to help my family was a righteous thing. Work is a righteous principle of the gospel.
So I had been applying for things and continued. I applied for full time teaching positions. However it was late September, all the schools were done hiring for the year, so I applied for substitute teaching. Meanwhile my awesome Relief Society president offered to let me deliver her paper route. So I started getting up at 3 AM every morning to throw newspapers. I had to take a nap during the day and go to bed by 9 PM at the latest. It was kind of nuts.
But it felt really good to be working, to be trying to contribute and help. After a month though, I felt like I needed to be done with the paper route. I was able to start substitute teaching and while I wanted to believe I could do both, because I sometimes mistakenly believe I am superwoman, well, it wasn't really possible. So I stopped delivering papers.
So now I am substitute teaching every day and my precious younger two are at Kindercare while my precious older two are in elementary school. Next semester I do have a class to lecture at the university which came thru divine intervention. A tender mercy from my Heavenly Father. In the mean time I continue to work on transferring my teaching license to Texas so that if next fall I need to teach full time in the schools I can do so. It is a possibility. I don't know what's going to happen. There are a lot of possibilities out there and I am trusting in my Father in Heaven to guide us right now.
But can you see how my life is so different? At the beginning of this year I was a stay at home mother who home schooled my kids. A large part of our social life and my identity seemed to come from that. Now I am a working mother, with two kids in public school and two in daycare. I sometimes feel like my identity has changed to that of another person. Like maybe this is all just an elaborate game of pretend.
But who I really am hasn't changed at all. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love him. That has not changed and never will. No matter what.