104 things in 1095 days

I meant to write up some fancy post for my 100th post on this blog that was inspirational. Instead my 100th post was about my latest car accident with a tree. Oops!

So instead, I am posting a celebratory 104th post. :) When I finally started blogging last year, (and its almost a year to date!) I wasn't really sure what I had to say on a blog. But I felt like it would be a great way to share and keep in contact with friends and family, which it is.

It's also been a great way to share some of the fun photos we are always taking of our adorable children. I've also enjoyed connecting and sharing with new friends who share some of my educational philosophies. It has also been good for me to just spend the time writing regularly. I play with numbers in my head all the time and games like Suduko all the time, but I love words too, and have started playing games and enjoying them more, instead of feeling tortured by the search for the right words.

But I digress. My celebratory post is about 104 things I want to do in the next 1095 days. I chose those numbers because this is my 104th post, and 1095 days is 3 years from now. Seemed reasonable. I saw this idea of making such a list on a friends blog - and now I am off to make my own list of things.

I don't really have any big things I've learned about blogging to share. All I can say is I'm glad I have this record of some of the things in our life. I think I will do the blog books at some point and that can be my scrapbook. :)

Contentment

The questions are all similar in nature: If you could go backward or forward in time to any event in your life now, would you? If you could redo something in your life, would you? Do you wish you lived in a different era of the world's history? Do you spend so much time anticipating the future that you fail to enjoy the present? Or too much time dwelling on the past?

Reflection, contemplation, preparation, these are all good things. We need to cherish the past, learn from the past, prepare for the future. But we also need to live in the moment and learn to love our life, just as it is now.

We are in a fun period of transition in our life. Fixitman's job is changing significantly at his company. This brings with it uncertainty and worry and fear. And yet I woke up on Monday and wondered if it would be nice to just skip this stage of life and move on to the "more enjoyable" next stage.

Well, I don't want to skip April, my favorite month for multiple reasons. But beyond that, I realized, I love our life. I love enjoying my family and playing and discovering and learning with them. My kids are fascinating and wonderful. My dog is loyal and loving. My husband is amazing. Even now, when we are facing uncertainty and don't know where we are headed, I can stand up and say: I would rather be here, with my family, facing these challenges together, than anywhere else in time or space. Bring it on.

Childhood Dreams

Randy Pausch's last lecture.

Goodbyes

Saying goodbye to a wonderful man, a prophet of God. I will miss you. You were an amazing example and wonderful leader.

Thank you for your wonderful messages of hope and faith. Thank you for your wonderful life which was lived with such integrity and virtue. You were a wonderful example and inspiration to me. One of my favorite quotes of yours was "Things will work out." I have found hope and faith in repeating that to myself in difficult times. Thank you.

In memory of Gordon Bitner Hinckley, June 23, 1910 - January 27, 2008

Gentle acceptance

This is a pretty personal post about thoughts for me, so be gentle in reading it, 'kay?

I've been having a hard time writing this post that's been swirling in my head about acceptance. I think it is because it is a personal topic of overcoming my initial defensive reactions to people who hold different views than me on some topics, but whose opinion I value about other topics. So I get concerned about their reaction to learning I think or believe something else about a different topic. Does that make sense?

This is gonna ramble a bit probably.

I had a pretty good day Wednesday, but a few things came up that started me thinking about the Why to several things I believe again. Why so many things. You know, when you aren't sure what you think about a topic, you spend a lot of time reading and thinking about it, asking questions, discussing it, and the like. But with some topics you reach a point where you know what you think and don't have to ask "Why" so much. You are comfortable with that being your way of doing things. But then those questions might flare up again when you can't clearly state your reasons for believing something when questioned. (Because I am NOT blessed with the gift of people speak.)

My internal response in possible situations like these where I think someone is questioning me is to start thinking thru my various responses and holding arguments with people in my head. Not a very gentle thing to do. And then there are the paranoid beliefs about what people think about me and figuring out how to "prove" to them that they are wrong (despite the fact that they have not said anything giving credence to my paranoia.) This generally leads to obsessing about what if "they" think this about me, and how "they" are wrong. Okay, I hope you don't think I'm crazy by now! This isn't a super frequent thing I promise! And it is really rooted in personal insecurities about being accepted.

So all of this is based on my feeling judged or misunderstood by people and automatically going on the defensive. In pondering and thinking about a few of these things, I found the idea of acceptance. I believe in accepting that as humans we all have different views and beliefs about things and that's okay. We just don't all have to be the same. Why do I do things the way I do? Because it works for me & mine. If your thing works for you and yours, awesome. I accept that. It's different to me from tolerance. I think I am using these words differently than they are defined b/c to me tolerance implies enduring and judging silently while acceptance implies just peacefully allowing people their choices, and liking them for who they are.

Now this doesn't imply approval of choices, but acceptance of who someone is. The thing is, I'm trying to choose to accept people for who they are instead of considering their differences as challenges to who I am. When I choose to not argue in my head, but accept people for their differences, I feel more peaceful and calm.

And I believe that acceptance is a kind of love, especially when you may not agree with someones choices or beliefs. Perhaps that is where the peaceful calm comes from. Choosing love instead of argument or war. Internal or external. Learning and choosing to accept myself and my choices and be comfortable with that around others. That is how acceptance is gentle thoughts.

Here are some kind of similar thoughts in a much better wording from someone else that a friend shared with me recently: Link to don't explain (Go read it, it's really good, I didn't copy & paste b/c of my own copyright concerns.)

Gentle

Some thoughts and musings about the word gentle.

Dictionary definitions

Gentle parenting - to me, this encompasses ideas I've gotten from books like Unconditional Parenting, Raising our Children, Raising ourselves, & Connection parenting this past year. It means not using punishments, threats or raising my voice. I'm still working on it. It means really considering and being respectful of my children's needs and wants and honoring their agency and choices.

Gentle inward thoughts - Eliminating or at least being aware of and dealing with my negative self talk that leads to self destructive choices. (Over eating, procrastination, bad attitudes...)

Gentle outward thoughts - Being charitable and loving towards others. Not judging others. Thinking the best of others and being positive and hopeful in my interactions.

Gentle words - A soft answer turneth away wrath (Prov. 15:1). If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. :) The stroke of the whip maketh marks in the flesh: but the stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones (Ecclesiasticus 28:17). Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity. (Jeffrey R. Holland, great talk here.)

I don't want to yell, I don't want to have a harsh tone in my voice. I want a gentle voice full of gentle words. Uplifting words that help and heal.

Gentle life - Being gentle to myself means taking care of myself. Meeting the needs of my body, listening to those needs, just as I try to meet the needs of my children. This really encompasses all of those eat better, lose weight, exercise regularly resolutions people make to some degree, but I want it to BE part of me, not just something I do. I think this part comes more from the gentle thoughts shaping who I am. It also can be about environmentalism and my footprint on this beautiful earth. An electric car is still something we want to buy when we can afford it. Recycling, composting, gardening, using mass transportation, conservation, reusing...

I really feel though that these things have to come from a strong inward change in order to be lasting choices, which is part of living by this word for this year is what I am going to try. I think I will put these things in a sidebar. :) For me, 2008 is the year of becoming gentle.

Lovely Song - This has been a song I have liked since I was a teenager. It is soft and quiet and lovely. If you haven't heard it, I recommend it. :)

Lyrics for Gentle by Michael McLean

Like a gentle wind can blow
The clouds from the sky,
Like a gentle touch can ease
The pain of good-bye,
Like a gentle smile embraces
Empty souls in lonely places,
We should be more gentle with ourselves.

Like the friend who gently
Builds us up when we’re down,
Like a gentle kiss can turn
Our world around.
We've been hurt by others often;
We’ve been forgiven and forgotten;
We should be as gentle with ourselves.
Life can be hard but we
Need not be so hard on ourselves,
If we will see…

Like the Shepherd leads his flock
With gentle commands,
With his gentle voice that
Only hearts can understand,
One thing we can know for certain,
He has borne the awful burden
So we can be gentle with ourselves.

One thing that I know for certain:
He will bear my every burden,
So I can be gentle with myself.

Moving & the New year's approach

We have spent the past few days relocating all of our belongings (including some inherited ones) to a new home. DH & I are tired & sore. My foot tendinitis is starting to come back and I have cramps in my palm. I am looking forward to getting things arranged to some degree in our new home soon, but its taking some time. It is a little frustrating how much I can't do on my own, and how long things take.

The boys are doing okay. H has started to take all of his bedding, (pillows, blankets & all animals) with him in the car whenever we go anywhere. We went and said goodbye to the old house today and spent some time talking about how everything was at the new house (including the trains!) and I'm hoping that he'll start feeling more secure here soon. L is rather cavalier about it, but this is the 4th or 5th move he remembers now, and I think he is doing okay with it overall.

We do not plan to move for several more years. When asked, DH says 4-5 years and I say 1-2, who knows how long it'll be. :) We really like this house. I need to take pictures and share them, there is a beautiful large oak in the front yard that is wonderful. We have hardwood floors except the kitchen and bath and I love that. DH painted all the rooms some beautiful colors before we moved in and I can't wait to start gardening. We have many plans. :)

As 2007 rushes to its end, I reflect over all that has happened this year. It is amazing what a difference a year makes in your life. After reading an inspiring post, at a friend's blog about another post here, I have decided to choose a word for the new year to reflect on, ponder, and help guide me. I think I have chosen the word gentle. I will continue to muse about it, but the word has been in my thoughts lately anyway, and it speaks so much more to me than other possibilities.

I want to become more gentle toward people, in my own thoughts, in my approach to many things. I think I will write it down and put it places to help me remember it at first, but it is a good word.

What about you? What word will you choose to live by in 2008?

Good Day

At the end of a day, how do you decide if it was a good, successful day or not? What makes the difference?

I realized the other night that my perception of a good day has changed. It isn't that I ever made a statement of "This is what makes a good day", but I had been operating one way, and that has been changing.

See, it used to be that the more things I got done on my list of things that needed doing, the more successful, better day it was. I accepted that I wasn't going to be super productive every day, but tried to find a balance to not over do the good things so that more days were good than wasted.

Maybe the better question is how do you know if your day was a waste of time or a success or not?

Because that is what is changing. Spending most of the day pursuing my interests and having fun with my kids and helping them explore their interests is a wonderful way to spend the day. It is extremely good and successful, even if looking back, I can't really give you a laundry list of visible things accomplished.

I think I have let go of the notion that I need to be productive in a way that has a visible outcome every day. That production equals success and a good day.

Now success and a good day is measured by happiness and joy, and how much of it we have experienced that day.

We have so many happy days. I hope you are too. :)

Friends

I am richly blessed in my life with many good and true friends. I am so grateful for their support and love. These past few days have been interesting. I expected to be feeling in mourning for our loss for a much longer period, and while I don't believe I am totally done, I have been surprisingly joyful and overall happy the past few days. I know I have been buoyed up by the prayers of those who care for us.

I am so glad to have many people that I know are good friends in my life, including some who get to be related to me. I have a newer friend in my life whom doesn't feel that way. She feels she has been floating thru life, with friends here and there, but not a single one has been around for any long period of time. No friends from her childhood still adorn her Christmas list.

Friendships are a fascinating thing, and I am not a beautiful writer who can expound beautifully on all the parts of friendships and what they provide us with. But I do know that I try to cherish my friends. I don't always succeed as well as I wish, and I hope they forgive me when I am not verbally grateful enough or when I break one of the many etiquette rules that I am always learning.

One thing about friends, is that their physical presence is not easily replaced by a computer or phone. And most of my dear friends are not here with me in my new home state. I hope to find a bosom buddy here, (or multiples!) and have some good candidates that I believe I can call good friends at this point. I don't know how long it takes or what essential ingredient is necessary to make a friend into a bosom buddy, the type of friend you can tell anything to and discuss anything. Because I am blessed with friends and can think of 5 people I can call on the phone and tell anything to and discuss anything with, I wonder if I have reached my limit of real bosom buddy best friends for this life. How much I miss them! How much I crave such an individual now!

Perhaps the thing I crave is a bosom buddy who unschools. Because friends meet different parts of who we are. Is that what it is? My dear bosom buddies I have now are supportive of me in what I am doing, though they are personally not following the same paths.

I think that there is a voice inside of me that laughs snarkily at the changes I've made in my home and family - changes that have made our home a happier, more joyful place - changes that I love - I think that the voice is waiting for me to fail. Waiting for me to give up and revert to what is "normal" and be part of the mainstream again. And I am afraid of that voice. Very afraid. I am continually reading and studying and improving our unschooling home and my own parenting and everything, but that voice...it keeps telling me I will fail, that I will quit, like a thousand other interests that have waxed and waned thru my life. I hate that voice. Where is the new unschooly bosom buddy friend that will somehow help me conquer it?