Thoughts from a new (again) mother

It has been a busy few weeks. We have been taking every chance we can to get to know our newest family member, whom for now we will call Munchkin. Her nickname may change soon, as we get to know her better.

When there is so much emotion entangled in an event, I struggle to write about it. Hence the photo log of her first few weeks. We have taken many pictures.

I had started to think I should just be happy with the two boys I had been given and stopped hoping for a third child when I found out I was pregnant with her. We were pessimistic at the beginning, given our track record, but then we heard the heartbeat. Then each week that passed made it seem more likely that she was coming. We worked to prepare for her and now she is here and she is a joy and a blessing.

Both big brothers are always asking to hold her and asking how they can help. They are wonderful children. It hasn't been easy, I have forgotten how tough women are in working to give birth, to nurse a baby, to lose sleep at night for our babies. I have experienced for the first time mastitis, possibly thrush, and an allergic reaction to medicine as well these past few weeks. Fixitman has had a lot on his plate. Thankfully my mom was able to come and help for a week. We have good supportive friends as well.

Listening and remembering to be a gentle listener has been a challenge. Being aware of the needs of my own body, my new baby, my family, my dog. Listening to promptings and quiet voices that can easily be missed.

Even in the challenges, there is so much joy to find. Babies exude joy and happiness. So do my children. It has been a joyful time, though I am glad they don't stay newborns for very long.

We're going to have a girl!

We were able to have an ultrasound yesterday and see our baby to be. She is healthy and big and growing well. She is also clearly a girl.
After the miscarriages, I am in awe of the miracle of this healthy child growing inside me. I think we are finally allowing ourselves to really believe that we will have a baby joining our family soon.The boys were very excited to see their baby sister on the ultrasound and get their own picture of her from the tech. They showed them off to friends at the park later that day.

Bad mood

Why I’m in a bad mood currently and will probably stay in one for the next while:

It all starts with a late cycle and a home pregnancy test that was negative at first and another one that is positive 3 days later. Yay! A new baby is on the way! Time to expand the family! What names should we use? The ones we’ve talked about previously are still good, don’t you think? Hugs & Kisses all around! Of course we can’t tell anyone until we’re further along and we have heard a heartbeat, but that’s just a speed bump right? We have two healthy kids; those other two miscarriages last year were just flukes, our turn in the statistics.

The symptoms start to rear their ugly heads. Frequent trips to the bathroom, sore chest, nausea, tired all the time. I joyfully accept them, glad to have the chance to be pregnant with our next bundle of joy.

But then disaster strikes. I wake up and the toilet paper has pink on it. Climb back in bed and pretend it was a hallucination from being tired. Go back to sleep. But the hallucination becomes reality and I am spotting blood, not a good sign. The spotting turns into cramping and a bit more bleeding, no hemorrhaging, no reason to go to an ER. We’ll wait until morning to go to the doctor. But the cramps are bad. It feels like a miscarriage. Hold on to some hope and pray as hard as you can, or cry and accept reality? Which is the best option? Some combination of both.

Go to the doctor this morning, cramping hasn’t stopped, be angry at all the pregnant women you see and at the receptionist who keeps talking about billing throughout the pregnancy. Explain that you are most likely miscarrying and this is a one time visit. Go thru annoying patient history with perky nurse. Tell her you aren’t peeing in a cup, would she like some blood? Wait for the doctor and explain your history to him. Get a sonogram and have him ask if you’re sure on your dates. Yes, I’m sure. I mark it on my calendar every month dummy. It’s not hard to keep track of! Shows me there is nothing there but a thickening of the uterus. Apparently what was to be a baby is already gone or never developed. The miscarriage is almost over. We’ll do blood tests to verify. Don’t forget to pay us $$$$ for confirming your worst nightmares.

Go home and try to be flippant about it. Fail miserably. Decide to not be ashamed or judged anymore. Try not to sound angry. Fail miserably. Why don’t I have more kids? Lucky me, I’ve won the worst lottery ever! I’m now part of the 0.34% of the population who has secondary infertility, which means 3+ miscarriages after successful births. Great, I’ve joined another infamous statistic. I hate being in a statistic. Statistics are unfeeling & unhuman.

Why am I sharing? Knowing that there are others out there who have experienced similar loss strengthens me, and maybe me being open about my loss and pain will help strengthen someone else one day if they should be so unfortunate as to experience it as well.

I don't think we should hide these experiences from one another. Pain isn't as much fun to experience or write about as trips to the park and museums, but it is a real human experience. It is something that shapes who we are.

Want to read an interesting post by someone else that discusses a lot of how I’m feeling? Go here.

Or see my poem I wrote last time we took a ride on the miscarriage coaster o’fun. Here

I'm not asking for pity or words of wisdom. Just sharing. I will take large quantities of chocolate, good ice cream or other food donations though. :P

Memorial Day

Memorial Day was yesterday. We spent most of it at cemeteries in Idaho visiting family graves. It was a nice way to spend memorial day, the number of people leaving flowers for family members at the cemetery was wonderful to see. Some were also heartbreaking - those leaving flowers for children and babies. People were cleaning up their family graves, decorating them, talking and praying with them, leaving memorials. I really recommend Find A Grave by the way. Here is David L. Duff's memorial.

Today was my due date. I had two miscarriages last fall, one due on Easter and the other due today. The losses of those pregnancies was really hard. It has changed me, as adversity does. I hope that I have become a better person and learned more compassion for others and patience from my own losses. I hope that I am more understanding and loving to others, realizing that I personally do not know what kind of trials they are dealing with. I did write a poem last fall that I want to share here now. Normally I don't talk about these things and yet I think that it is healing to talk about them and that they should be talked about a little more, so others also know they aren't alone in the loss. I am so grateful to friends who were kind and supportive to me then. Here is the poem:


Everybody says it'll be okay
and I just smile and nod
I'm screaming on the inside though
They say I'll get you back
and next time things will work
out It just Wasn't the right
time. I stare and wonder
how could they tell me
that? I've lost a baby
not a job or phone.
You can't replace
a person's soul.

I have to believe you are in heaven
now I have to think you only
needed a short time to live
And though I never held you
in my arms alive you
lived inside me and you're mine
I know some people think I'm
crazy now because to me you
were a child. But you
were my baby and my hopes
and dreams as soon as I
saw the two pink lines.

I don't know why you had
to leave so soon. I know I
would have been a loving mom
Anything that made you
different would not have changed
a thing. Please - I can't believe
you're gone.
(10-26-06)