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| Dinoguy age 20 months |
Today's post is a fun one. Read it! Leave a comment.
Link: Terrible or Terrific
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Terrible or Terrific?
Today's post is a fun one. Read it! Leave a comment.
Link: Terrible or Terrific
Friday, April 09, 2010
Lost
The photo is of Dinoguy at 17 months when I took him to Disneyworld while Fixitman had a conference in Orlando. He's wearing his harness that I used whenever we were in public from the first time he ran off and hid at 13 months until he was about 3 and I could reason with him that he could not run away from me and hide in public places. (But I kept it in my purse for just in case use until he was probably 5.) I did not want to buy it initially but we could not come up with another solution, especially when he was 13-14 months old. If I did not use it, he got lost. I stopped going to Wal-mart because I lost him there twice and they were so slow in reacting and helping search for him both times that I decided I couldn't go there with my kid.
When your child wears a harness/leash in public, there are 2 visible reactions. The parents who have been there and have had children who needed leashes smile sympathetically. They sometimes point it out to their children and tell them "You used to have one of those". The other reaction is disgust from those who believe I am harming my child or treating them inappropriately.
If you have never had a runner, a child who for some reason just takes off at full speed and either just keeps running or finds a hiding spot, you probably fall into the disgust category. And I would probably be one of those people if I hadn't had Dinoguy. Trainboy and Munchkin are not runners. Trainboy is a dawdler, who studies things and moves slowly. If I lose track of him, it is because I am moving too quickly and not holding his hand. Munchkin is afraid of other people still and holds onto my leg if put down in public. Dinoguy never had stranger anxiety. He has always gone easily to anyone and will talk to anyone.Which triples my fear when he's lost because someone could take his hand and ask him a few questions and he'd walk away easily with them. I tried instilling a fear of strangers in him. It didn't work.
Fixitman said he was making a new harness when we got home and Dinoguy actually said he wanted one. He just has a hard time staying with us because he has to go see everything in new places. I don't think he actually needs one, since he was hiding more because he was upset with me than just for fun this time. It is tempting though.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Gentle Quiz
Life's Mishaps Pop quiz time:
1. When your dog decides to eat/kill your plant starts you've been coaxing to grow for a month, how do you react?
A. Laugh and say "Oh well, we'll start again! Silly dog, don't eat the plants!" Then play catch with the dog and decide to buy some of that spray that makes dogs avoid certain plants.
B. Calmly tell the dog, "No, that's a leave-it. Leave it." Then proceed to distract the dog with a ball for catch while salvaging the plants that look like they'll live.
C. Yell at the dog at the top of your lungs, scream for it to go to its kennel, while yelling "Bad dog!" and then storm back outside to clean up but instead put your hand thru the storm door window. Start bleeding and screaming for DH to rescue you.
D. Tell the dog "bad dog, kennel up" and put him in his kennel. Locate someone else who should have been distracting the dog from eating your plants and blame them for everything. Force them to clean it all up while you sulk.
2. When your DH is making pizza for dinner, and spills some on the oven, he decides to burn it off by turning the oven up to 500. The entire house fills with smoke. How do you react?
A. Laugh and say "Look kids, we have indoor fog!" Then vent the windows and show DH where the oven cleaner is for next time.
B. Calmly turn off the oven, vent the windows, get the oven cleaner out and ready for when it cools down some and thank DH for making the yummy pizza, but tell him you'll do the clean-up.
C. Irritably ask DH what he did and ask in a grumpy voice"Why didn't you just use the oven cleaner?" Tell him you don't like the windows open at night and grumpily proceed to start cleaning up "his" mess. Make him help though.
D. Tell DH he should have been more careful and he can't cook in YOUR kitchen if he's going to make such a mess. He really should be more responsible. Verbally berate him for at least 5 minutes about his error and tell him to clean it up.
3. You are going to a museum as a family outing. When you get there it is insanely crazy full of people. Your young son has a habit of running off to see what he wants to see, leaving you behind. When you catch up to him for the 20th time, after dodging thru the crowds, what do you do?
A. Smile and ask him if he's playing hide and seek with you. Ask him nicely (again!) to tell you where he wants to go before running away. Remind him that we need to take turns choosing what to look at and stay together.
B. Calmly hug him and tell him in your soft and calm voice how worried you were because you couldn't see him in the crowd. Explain that we need to stay together for safety reasons and we will see everything he wants before we leave.
C. Grab his arm, pull him to you and yell in your best restrained 'We're in public voice' about the dangers of running off in crowds. Tell him he has to hold your hand the rest of the time.
D. In your short irritated voice, say "You have to stay with me and not run away or we're leaving." Follow thru and take everyone home the next time he even runs a few feet in front of you.
4. It is a beautiful perfect weather day and would be great weather for playing outside. But some cleaning in the house needs to happen first. You wonderful children have settled in to the computer play time/TV watching and don't want to help clean or play outside right now. How do you react?
A. Put on Pandora.com radio with your favorite inspiring music, dance as you do the cleaning and practice thinking loving thoughts of how you are blessing your family by keeping it clean and inviting. Then tell them you are going to be outside and go play in the garden. Break out the blower/lawn mower to see if it attracts them.
B. Sit down and do your spiritual rejuvenation first, knowing you are going to need it to keep your patience and happiness up today. Then decide to alternate inside chores with outside fun and work. Offer for the kids to help each time you start something new, possibly eventually finding something that interests them more than the electronics.
C. Demand that they help by cleaning their room. Turn off the TV even though there are only 5 more minutes left in their show and tell them they have to help NOW. Grumble and clean and tell them it is their job to help. Then force them to play outside with you.
D. Blame them for the mess and tell them you don't like cleaning up after them. Supervise while they clean. Then tell them it is time for outdoor play. Make them play outside with you.
I hope you've enjoyed today's quiz! Time to tally your answers.
If you answered all or mostly all A's: You like to laugh in life and find the funny side to things. There isn't any situation where a little humor won't help. Love for your family, pets and friends is evident by your gentle teasing that is never sharp or pointed. You take responsibility for your own choices and mistakes and let other's do the same.
If you answered all or mostly all B's: You are calm, centered and gentle in your approach to life's mishaps. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want, but you know how to accept that. You are helpful and unconditionally loving to all. You let people make their own choices but try to be a guide by providing a great example and gently explaining why some things are better choices than others.
If you answered all or mostly all C's: You tend to overreact and lose your temper when things don't go your way (usually exacerbating the situation). If you can, you force things to go your way, since you are always or almost always right. "My way or the highway" makes sense to you as a philosophy. People in your family are slightly afraid of you, never knowing when you are going to "lose it". That's alright though, because in your view, if they do what you want, you have their respect (even if it's fear based.)
If you answered all or mostly all D's: It's usually someone else's fault that things don't go perfectly in life and you can usually pinpoint the person who was the problem and you will tell them about it! "The blame game" is one you play on a regular basis. You use threats and withholding to get the behavior you want from people. You don't yell that much, but you know what to say to hurt a person and keep tally of the wrongs people have committed against you for use later.
(The previous quiz was inspired partially by the cheesy magazine quizzes. It may have also been inspired by events in the writer's life. The actual events as they took place may or may not be represented above. This quiz is for amusement purposes only and is not scientific in nature.)
1. When your dog decides to eat/kill your plant starts you've been coaxing to grow for a month, how do you react?
A. Laugh and say "Oh well, we'll start again! Silly dog, don't eat the plants!" Then play catch with the dog and decide to buy some of that spray that makes dogs avoid certain plants.
B. Calmly tell the dog, "No, that's a leave-it. Leave it." Then proceed to distract the dog with a ball for catch while salvaging the plants that look like they'll live.
C. Yell at the dog at the top of your lungs, scream for it to go to its kennel, while yelling "Bad dog!" and then storm back outside to clean up but instead put your hand thru the storm door window. Start bleeding and screaming for DH to rescue you.
D. Tell the dog "bad dog, kennel up" and put him in his kennel. Locate someone else who should have been distracting the dog from eating your plants and blame them for everything. Force them to clean it all up while you sulk.
2. When your DH is making pizza for dinner, and spills some on the oven, he decides to burn it off by turning the oven up to 500. The entire house fills with smoke. How do you react?
A. Laugh and say "Look kids, we have indoor fog!" Then vent the windows and show DH where the oven cleaner is for next time.
B. Calmly turn off the oven, vent the windows, get the oven cleaner out and ready for when it cools down some and thank DH for making the yummy pizza, but tell him you'll do the clean-up.
C. Irritably ask DH what he did and ask in a grumpy voice"Why didn't you just use the oven cleaner?" Tell him you don't like the windows open at night and grumpily proceed to start cleaning up "his" mess. Make him help though.
D. Tell DH he should have been more careful and he can't cook in YOUR kitchen if he's going to make such a mess. He really should be more responsible. Verbally berate him for at least 5 minutes about his error and tell him to clean it up.
3. You are going to a museum as a family outing. When you get there it is insanely crazy full of people. Your young son has a habit of running off to see what he wants to see, leaving you behind. When you catch up to him for the 20th time, after dodging thru the crowds, what do you do?
A. Smile and ask him if he's playing hide and seek with you. Ask him nicely (again!) to tell you where he wants to go before running away. Remind him that we need to take turns choosing what to look at and stay together.
B. Calmly hug him and tell him in your soft and calm voice how worried you were because you couldn't see him in the crowd. Explain that we need to stay together for safety reasons and we will see everything he wants before we leave.
C. Grab his arm, pull him to you and yell in your best restrained 'We're in public voice' about the dangers of running off in crowds. Tell him he has to hold your hand the rest of the time.
D. In your short irritated voice, say "You have to stay with me and not run away or we're leaving." Follow thru and take everyone home the next time he even runs a few feet in front of you.
4. It is a beautiful perfect weather day and would be great weather for playing outside. But some cleaning in the house needs to happen first. You wonderful children have settled in to the computer play time/TV watching and don't want to help clean or play outside right now. How do you react?
A. Put on Pandora.com radio with your favorite inspiring music, dance as you do the cleaning and practice thinking loving thoughts of how you are blessing your family by keeping it clean and inviting. Then tell them you are going to be outside and go play in the garden. Break out the blower/lawn mower to see if it attracts them.
B. Sit down and do your spiritual rejuvenation first, knowing you are going to need it to keep your patience and happiness up today. Then decide to alternate inside chores with outside fun and work. Offer for the kids to help each time you start something new, possibly eventually finding something that interests them more than the electronics.
C. Demand that they help by cleaning their room. Turn off the TV even though there are only 5 more minutes left in their show and tell them they have to help NOW. Grumble and clean and tell them it is their job to help. Then force them to play outside with you.
D. Blame them for the mess and tell them you don't like cleaning up after them. Supervise while they clean. Then tell them it is time for outdoor play. Make them play outside with you.
I hope you've enjoyed today's quiz! Time to tally your answers.
If you answered all or mostly all A's: You like to laugh in life and find the funny side to things. There isn't any situation where a little humor won't help. Love for your family, pets and friends is evident by your gentle teasing that is never sharp or pointed. You take responsibility for your own choices and mistakes and let other's do the same.
If you answered all or mostly all B's: You are calm, centered and gentle in your approach to life's mishaps. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want, but you know how to accept that. You are helpful and unconditionally loving to all. You let people make their own choices but try to be a guide by providing a great example and gently explaining why some things are better choices than others.
If you answered all or mostly all C's: You tend to overreact and lose your temper when things don't go your way (usually exacerbating the situation). If you can, you force things to go your way, since you are always or almost always right. "My way or the highway" makes sense to you as a philosophy. People in your family are slightly afraid of you, never knowing when you are going to "lose it". That's alright though, because in your view, if they do what you want, you have their respect (even if it's fear based.)
If you answered all or mostly all D's: It's usually someone else's fault that things don't go perfectly in life and you can usually pinpoint the person who was the problem and you will tell them about it! "The blame game" is one you play on a regular basis. You use threats and withholding to get the behavior you want from people. You don't yell that much, but you know what to say to hurt a person and keep tally of the wrongs people have committed against you for use later.
(The previous quiz was inspired partially by the cheesy magazine quizzes. It may have also been inspired by events in the writer's life. The actual events as they took place may or may not be represented above. This quiz is for amusement purposes only and is not scientific in nature.)
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves
Ever feel like a kid still? I know I do. I'd say that's a good thing most of the time. How to become a better parent though? That is a question I think most of us think about a lot.
I am doing a book club with some of my unschooling friends here in TX now and our first book is Raising our Children, Raising Ourselves by Naomi Aldort. We met last night for a night of discussing the first half of the book and having fun. It was a relaxing, good time. And I highly recommend the book.
A few months ago I blogged about Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. I reported that we had stopped punishments, time outs, threats, counting down, reward systems, etc. And though we slip occasionally, these things are still gone. I'd say its permanent. We are a happier family without them, and our kids are better most of the time. We're certainly not perfect, but life is more peaceful, happier, etc.
So why more parenting books? Well, there are still those moments where I just don't know WHAT to do and I'm losing my patience and control. I don't like falling back on techniques that I know are harmful to my kids. But when you don't have any other tools available, it happens. So we're trying to learn new tools. This book really helps there.
The #1 thing you can do? Bite your tongue and give yourself a minute. Think about what you are about to say. Will it be helpful? Will it accomplish what you want it to? Would you say that to an adult? Etc. She compares it to automatic programs in our brain that start up in situations. She says they aren't necessarily authentically us, but the results of previous experiences. We can hold our tongue, watch the movie in our head and then let it be and turn our attention to our child. Really listen to them and validate what they are feeling. Then empower them to allow them to solve the problem themselves. It is a peaceful approach that involves letting children experience their emotions, and handle them on their own. It really does work too. I doubt I explain it all that well, but I'm still reading and re-reading the book and trying to change.
We need to make peace with the things that were less than perfect in our own childhoods or other relationship experiences. This allows us to not pass on coercive or controlling habits to our own child but learn to love them unconditionally. We can meet their needs, and recognize that their behavior may be the only way that they know to express their needs, and that it can be cured in working with a child instead of doing things to them. In this way, I see this book complementing Alfie Kohn's ideas too.
Anyway, I wanted to share with y'all. What a book. Buy it. It is worth it a million times over.
Monday, August 06, 2007
Road Tripping USA
I haven't posted in a while... We've been enjoying our long road trip. We've been to all of my grandparents homes, the beach, fishing, visiting my old childhood city, my sister & now we are visiting my parents.
It's wonderful to see my grandparents playing with my children and enjoying their exuberance. In contrast to other people who have complained about them being "too loud".
It's wonderful to see my grandparents playing with my children and enjoying their exuberance. In contrast to other people who have complained about them being "too loud".
Seeing my kids enjoy the beach for the first time was amazing. It is the beach that I went to almsot every summer of my childhood, so I have great memories there. Playing with them and introducing them to this was so much fun.
We also went to Angel Oak, this fantastic 1400 year old tree. The kids loved playing around it, though you can't play on it. That's a tricky one.
I have loved the relaxed feel of allowing us to just be ourselves and stop worrying so much about others' expectations. The relief in my son's voice when I explained to him that we weren't going to use time-outs or punishments anymore... it was amazing. And while it does take more thought to have reasons and explanations and take time to talk about things, it has been really wonderful.
Golfing with my family was also alot of fun. I guess I could have been blogging in detail about it all, but I usually blog when I feel the urge of something interesting to post. I know my life is interesting, but it is just regular to me. It's the amazing things that usually motivate me to write a blog post. Maybe I should be writing more. I'm not sure.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Unconditional Parenting in Practice
I really loved the book. I loved all the research included. I enjoy Alfie Kohn's writing style. So I decided to start changing my parenting style.
I'm still dealing with stopping myself from making threats, giving time outs, and withholding love. I'm still dealing with knowing how to say no at the store to my kids requests, but do it respectfully and with a good reason, and when is it okay to say no, versus saying yes on the little things?
I'm still dealing with a son who thrives on praise because that's what he's dealt with for almost 5 years, so how do I help him understand how proud I am of him all of the time without constantly telling him how I approve like I am used to doing?
On the positive side of the coin, I have found more patience and understanding in really listening to my boys needs and in giving hugs immediately and holding them as long as they want to. I see that my son likes the explanations of why something isn't okay and that he wants to immediately try again at stuff to do it right, instead of taking a time out. I am enjoying time with my kids more - which is so good, because having kids should be enjoyable.
Two anecdotes:
I was at Home Depot for the 37th time this week and trying to find the right kind of mulch. L was pushing a cart all around when he ran into someone. I saw it happen, I saw him immediately veer off and start pushing the cart again without any acknowledgement of what had happened. I called him to come talk to me, using my best calm and polite voice. The woman looked at me and said "He ran me over!" in an indignant voice. (She was still standing, so this was a bit of an overstatement.) I said "I understand." and calmly turned my attention to L. I asked him what had happened and how he felt and how he thought the lady felt. The thing that surprised me is he said he felt angry because he had not turned the cart right and had hit her. Suddenly, I saw the whole situation in a different light. He had been practicing his cart driving skills and had an accident. He was upset and wanted to practice more. I asked him how he would feel if he got hit by the cart and he didn't really know or want to think about it, I'm not sure. I explained that the lady probably felt sad and had been hurt and maybe it would be nice to say sorry. (She had already walked off in a huff, apparently because I hadn't barked out a command for him to apologize.) He said he didn't want to, and since I was ready to leave, I said, okay, let's go. That's a big deal to me, as I normally would have forced him to apologize immediately, but I decided to try the whole "work with" your child thing in the situation. :) We started to leave and he said he'd changed his mind and wanted to apologize. We had to walk around a bit to find her and he was acting shy, so I said he wanted to say something and he mumbled out "Sorry." and she said "Thank you." and turned and went about her business. L asked to try again at driving the shopping cart so I let him get another one and watched as he carefully manuevered it thru several aisles, before asking him if we could go. We left, both in a good mood and calm, L talking about his good driving skills.
Allowing myself to not care what the lady thought immediately and tending to my childs' needs was a good step for me. The whole situation could have played out so differently!
Another anecdote is when I took the kids to lunch at Potbelly's one day and the each immediately ran and got a bottled drink. Normally, I would have immediately vetoed those, but I decided that if I wanted one, I would get it, so the same respect should go to them - if they wanted it, they should have it. L further tested me, by asking for chips and then ice cream as well. I got them all of it that time, as I kept telling myself we were out to lunch for a nice relaxing time, and it was a nice treat. What it really made me think about was the article in Live Free Learn Free called "Starbucks Worthy" in a different way. When I had first read that article, I thought I was good about treating my kids well at restaurants. At Potbelly's I realized that wasn't really so. It made me realize that eating out was going to be more expensive - a great deterrent to eating out too much, but also interesting to think about going to the fast food restaurants because, I know that the kids meals are all they usually want there. Downside: I don't like any of the food at all. BK has the veggie burger that is okay - but at Wendy's it's a baked potato and salad. So again - another reason not to eat out much.
A possibly related part of this is now L asks for food at pretty much every store that has any type of restaurant, Target included, even if we just ate before coming to the store. I remind him of this and he proclaims "But I'm still hungry!" I still think of this as him testing his new limits - though it's hard to say. I can't just stop taking my kids with me to the store, so I have to figure something out about it. I guess it is something I really need to think about, but I'd love to know what others do. The little things don't bug me, but when I've just fed them breakfast or lunch and they want another meal at the store, it does frustrate me. I remember being a kid. I remember just wanting to try stuff at the store because it was new and different. Perhaps that's all he wants and I should plan a trip to do that - but then on the flip side - whenever we go to the farmer's market - L & H both remember the ice cream booth we went to the first time and run immediately there and ask for ice cream. Can I not go to the farmer's market with them without buying ice cream now?
I'm still dealing with stopping myself from making threats, giving time outs, and withholding love. I'm still dealing with knowing how to say no at the store to my kids requests, but do it respectfully and with a good reason, and when is it okay to say no, versus saying yes on the little things?
I'm still dealing with a son who thrives on praise because that's what he's dealt with for almost 5 years, so how do I help him understand how proud I am of him all of the time without constantly telling him how I approve like I am used to doing?
On the positive side of the coin, I have found more patience and understanding in really listening to my boys needs and in giving hugs immediately and holding them as long as they want to. I see that my son likes the explanations of why something isn't okay and that he wants to immediately try again at stuff to do it right, instead of taking a time out. I am enjoying time with my kids more - which is so good, because having kids should be enjoyable.
Two anecdotes:
I was at Home Depot for the 37th time this week and trying to find the right kind of mulch. L was pushing a cart all around when he ran into someone. I saw it happen, I saw him immediately veer off and start pushing the cart again without any acknowledgement of what had happened. I called him to come talk to me, using my best calm and polite voice. The woman looked at me and said "He ran me over!" in an indignant voice. (She was still standing, so this was a bit of an overstatement.) I said "I understand." and calmly turned my attention to L. I asked him what had happened and how he felt and how he thought the lady felt. The thing that surprised me is he said he felt angry because he had not turned the cart right and had hit her. Suddenly, I saw the whole situation in a different light. He had been practicing his cart driving skills and had an accident. He was upset and wanted to practice more. I asked him how he would feel if he got hit by the cart and he didn't really know or want to think about it, I'm not sure. I explained that the lady probably felt sad and had been hurt and maybe it would be nice to say sorry. (She had already walked off in a huff, apparently because I hadn't barked out a command for him to apologize.) He said he didn't want to, and since I was ready to leave, I said, okay, let's go. That's a big deal to me, as I normally would have forced him to apologize immediately, but I decided to try the whole "work with" your child thing in the situation. :) We started to leave and he said he'd changed his mind and wanted to apologize. We had to walk around a bit to find her and he was acting shy, so I said he wanted to say something and he mumbled out "Sorry." and she said "Thank you." and turned and went about her business. L asked to try again at driving the shopping cart so I let him get another one and watched as he carefully manuevered it thru several aisles, before asking him if we could go. We left, both in a good mood and calm, L talking about his good driving skills.
Allowing myself to not care what the lady thought immediately and tending to my childs' needs was a good step for me. The whole situation could have played out so differently!
Another anecdote is when I took the kids to lunch at Potbelly's one day and the each immediately ran and got a bottled drink. Normally, I would have immediately vetoed those, but I decided that if I wanted one, I would get it, so the same respect should go to them - if they wanted it, they should have it. L further tested me, by asking for chips and then ice cream as well. I got them all of it that time, as I kept telling myself we were out to lunch for a nice relaxing time, and it was a nice treat. What it really made me think about was the article in Live Free Learn Free called "Starbucks Worthy" in a different way. When I had first read that article, I thought I was good about treating my kids well at restaurants. At Potbelly's I realized that wasn't really so. It made me realize that eating out was going to be more expensive - a great deterrent to eating out too much, but also interesting to think about going to the fast food restaurants because, I know that the kids meals are all they usually want there. Downside: I don't like any of the food at all. BK has the veggie burger that is okay - but at Wendy's it's a baked potato and salad. So again - another reason not to eat out much.
A possibly related part of this is now L asks for food at pretty much every store that has any type of restaurant, Target included, even if we just ate before coming to the store. I remind him of this and he proclaims "But I'm still hungry!" I still think of this as him testing his new limits - though it's hard to say. I can't just stop taking my kids with me to the store, so I have to figure something out about it. I guess it is something I really need to think about, but I'd love to know what others do. The little things don't bug me, but when I've just fed them breakfast or lunch and they want another meal at the store, it does frustrate me. I remember being a kid. I remember just wanting to try stuff at the store because it was new and different. Perhaps that's all he wants and I should plan a trip to do that - but then on the flip side - whenever we go to the farmer's market - L & H both remember the ice cream booth we went to the first time and run immediately there and ask for ice cream. Can I not go to the farmer's market with them without buying ice cream now?
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Pondering Parenting
While reading other blogs, I stumbled across a book recommendation called Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn. I have read and enjoyed some of his work previously, and the premise sounded interesting so I went and checked it out from my local library.
It has been fascinating. Things I have never pondered or realized could be an issue. I am enjoying it so much. It is really changing my lens thru which I view things.
It has been fascinating. Things I have never pondered or realized could be an issue. I am enjoying it so much. It is really changing my lens thru which I view things.
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