End of year reflections on Gentle

Instead of making traditional resolutions last year, I chose to focus on a word, and my word was Gentle. I didn't blog about my word as much as I intended to; procrastination in taking a picture of the Gentle drive sign near my house may have contributed to that. However, the word was always there and I was contemplating, thinking and musing about it.

I don't think I am done with the word Gentle - it is such a lovely idea and word that hopefully one day an adjective that describes me is gentle - I'm not there yet. But I have learned a lot this year about gentle.

Being gentle involves love. Love for fellow creatures and beings and remembering that love in all situations, even those that may irk us. It involves allowing imperfections in ourselves and others and not thinking or treating people as less for those imperfections. Gentle is compassionate and slow to anger. Gentle is recognizing our own limits (or those of others) and accepting them with grace, even when we feel thwarted. Gentle is apologizing to children or animals for mistakes and outbursts to repair the relationship. Gentle is providing hugs and acceptance even as an individual lashes out at you or throws a tantrum.

There have been lessons in gentle from my children, my husband, my dog. From strangers and friends and just in my own reflections on situations. It has been a good year to practice gentleness. I will continue to try and be gentle always.

Contentment

The questions are all similar in nature: If you could go backward or forward in time to any event in your life now, would you? If you could redo something in your life, would you? Do you wish you lived in a different era of the world's history? Do you spend so much time anticipating the future that you fail to enjoy the present? Or too much time dwelling on the past?

Reflection, contemplation, preparation, these are all good things. We need to cherish the past, learn from the past, prepare for the future. But we also need to live in the moment and learn to love our life, just as it is now.

We are in a fun period of transition in our life. Fixitman's job is changing significantly at his company. This brings with it uncertainty and worry and fear. And yet I woke up on Monday and wondered if it would be nice to just skip this stage of life and move on to the "more enjoyable" next stage.

Well, I don't want to skip April, my favorite month for multiple reasons. But beyond that, I realized, I love our life. I love enjoying my family and playing and discovering and learning with them. My kids are fascinating and wonderful. My dog is loyal and loving. My husband is amazing. Even now, when we are facing uncertainty and don't know where we are headed, I can stand up and say: I would rather be here, with my family, facing these challenges together, than anywhere else in time or space. Bring it on.

Gentle Quiz

Life's Mishaps Pop quiz time:

1. When your dog decides to eat/kill your plant starts you've been coaxing to grow for a month, how do you react?
A. Laugh and say "Oh well, we'll start again! Silly dog, don't eat the plants!" Then play catch with the dog and decide to buy some of that spray that makes dogs avoid certain plants.
B. Calmly tell the dog, "No, that's a leave-it. Leave it." Then proceed to distract the dog with a ball for catch while salvaging the plants that look like they'll live.
C. Yell at the dog at the top of your lungs, scream for it to go to its kennel, while yelling "Bad dog!" and then storm back outside to clean up but instead put your hand thru the storm door window. Start bleeding and screaming for DH to rescue you.
D. Tell the dog "bad dog, kennel up" and put him in his kennel. Locate someone else who should have been distracting the dog from eating your plants and blame them for everything. Force them to clean it all up while you sulk.

2. When your DH is making pizza for dinner, and spills some on the oven, he decides to burn it off by turning the oven up to 500. The entire house fills with smoke. How do you react?
A. Laugh and say "Look kids, we have indoor fog!" Then vent the windows and show DH where the oven cleaner is for next time.
B. Calmly turn off the oven, vent the windows, get the oven cleaner out and ready for when it cools down some and thank DH for making the yummy pizza, but tell him you'll do the clean-up.
C. Irritably ask DH what he did and ask in a grumpy voice"Why didn't you just use the oven cleaner?" Tell him you don't like the windows open at night and grumpily proceed to start cleaning up "his" mess. Make him help though.
D. Tell DH he should have been more careful and he can't cook in YOUR kitchen if he's going to make such a mess. He really should be more responsible. Verbally berate him for at least 5 minutes about his error and tell him to clean it up.

3. You are going to a museum as a family outing. When you get there it is insanely crazy full of people. Your young son has a habit of running off to see what he wants to see, leaving you behind. When you catch up to him for the 20th time, after dodging thru the crowds, what do you do?
A. Smile and ask him if he's playing hide and seek with you. Ask him nicely (again!) to tell you where he wants to go before running away. Remind him that we need to take turns choosing what to look at and stay together.
B. Calmly hug him and tell him in your soft and calm voice how worried you were because you couldn't see him in the crowd. Explain that we need to stay together for safety reasons and we will see everything he wants before we leave.
C. Grab his arm, pull him to you and yell in your best restrained 'We're in public voice' about the dangers of running off in crowds. Tell him he has to hold your hand the rest of the time.
D. In your short irritated voice, say "You have to stay with me and not run away or we're leaving." Follow thru and take everyone home the next time he even runs a few feet in front of you.

4. It is a beautiful perfect weather day and would be great weather for playing outside. But some cleaning in the house needs to happen first. You wonderful children have settled in to the computer play time/TV watching and don't want to help clean or play outside right now. How do you react?
A. Put on Pandora.com radio with your favorite inspiring music, dance as you do the cleaning and practice thinking loving thoughts of how you are blessing your family by keeping it clean and inviting. Then tell them you are going to be outside and go play in the garden. Break out the blower/lawn mower to see if it attracts them.
B. Sit down and do your spiritual rejuvenation first, knowing you are going to need it to keep your patience and happiness up today. Then decide to alternate inside chores with outside fun and work. Offer for the kids to help each time you start something new, possibly eventually finding something that interests them more than the electronics.
C. Demand that they help by cleaning their room. Turn off the TV even though there are only 5 more minutes left in their show and tell them they have to help NOW. Grumble and clean and tell them it is their job to help. Then force them to play outside with you.
D. Blame them for the mess and tell them you don't like cleaning up after them. Supervise while they clean. Then tell them it is time for outdoor play. Make them play outside with you.

I hope you've enjoyed today's quiz! Time to tally your answers.

If you answered all or mostly all A's: You like to laugh in life and find the funny side to things. There isn't any situation where a little humor won't help. Love for your family, pets and friends is evident by your gentle teasing that is never sharp or pointed. You take responsibility for your own choices and mistakes and let other's do the same.

If you answered all or mostly all B's: You are calm, centered and gentle in your approach to life's mishaps. Sometimes things don't work out the way you want, but you know how to accept that. You are helpful and unconditionally loving to all. You let people make their own choices but try to be a guide by providing a great example and gently explaining why some things are better choices than others.

If you answered all or mostly all C's: You tend to overreact and lose your temper when things don't go your way (usually exacerbating the situation). If you can, you force things to go your way, since you are always or almost always right. "My way or the highway" makes sense to you as a philosophy. People in your family are slightly afraid of you, never knowing when you are going to "lose it". That's alright though, because in your view, if they do what you want, you have their respect (even if it's fear based.)

If you answered all or mostly all D's: It's usually someone else's fault that things don't go perfectly in life and you can usually pinpoint the person who was the problem and you will tell them about it! "The blame game" is one you play on a regular basis. You use threats and withholding to get the behavior you want from people. You don't yell that much, but you know what to say to hurt a person and keep tally of the wrongs people have committed against you for use later.

(The previous quiz was inspired partially by the cheesy magazine quizzes. It may have also been inspired by events in the writer's life. The actual events as they took place may or may not be represented above. This quiz is for amusement purposes only and is not scientific in nature.)

Gentle is as gentle does

What does a gentle person do? They keep their mouth shut when people say inflammatory things. They smile politely and think friendly thoughts. They drive courteously. They forgive. They have plenty of patience. They use a soft voice.

That's not me I'm talking about, but it can be how I try to be, how I try to think of myself. The gentle thoughts tell me that meeting basic needs of sleep, food, exercise, spirituality, socializing, cleanliness are what my focus should be. They tell me to find inner peace, to feel balanced and quiet, so I can hear and listen to the promptings from my inner self, that is trying to help me be who I really am.

I've sat down a few times in park outings when I am starting to feel unraveled and closed my eyes and breathed and emptied out the negative thoughts and searched for calm and happy thoughts to replace them. Even if I only partially succeed, it really helps. I don't know why it is easier to do at a park than at home, but it is. I have a hard time sitting still at home sometimes, after I get going in the morning. I need to make time more. Even 30 seconds of calm breathing and gentle thoughts can help bring clarity and peace back to me.

"What are we going to do tomorrow?" I asked. "The same thing we do every day, Mom!" Dinoguy replied. "What is that?" I asked. "Try to do good things of course!" He said.
Wise words, Son. Wise words.

Cloudy weather blahs bring updates

It is cold and cloudy today, at least compared to the warm sunny weather we've had for the past week. Add to that the fact that we've just completed a rather busy last week and I wanted to work outside in the yard but am a wimp about this 40 degree weather, and I've got the blahs. Perfect time to finally update the blog. :)

I spent yesterday morning cutting down "junk" trees and branches in the back yard that were annoying me. It is so much fun to cut & chop stuff! Dinoguy joined me in the destruction, while Sarge happily chewed up several of the larger sticks.

I've read and heard its not safe to let your dog play with sticks, but my dog will chew on live trees if he has to. I just hope that the larger trunks/limbs are less dangerous and won't cut his mouth.

Getting rid of the little spindly trees that had grown all around the perimeter of the yard already has it looking tons better. I hope it helps with the gardening too because we are ready to garden! We went to the nursery today and are getting ready to put stuff outside.

I've been reading Animal, Vegetable, Miracle and it just helps ignite that fire to work in a garden that much more. It is such a beautifully written book, full of lovely imagery and fun helpful tips and stories. It really makes eating local & growing a lot of our food seem that much more obtainable to me. Learning about asparagus at the beginning was fascinating, and the whole book is like that overall. I am eager to try making my own mozzarella cheese too.

My cooking blahs that accompanied the move seem to have past overall. I have been trying lots of new recipes again, but not finding much time to blog about them on my food blog. Oh well. It's still tasty food!

We've been reading many non fiction books about trains & dinosaurs & volcanoes lately. We exhausted the library supply of fiction picture books on these topics and have happily moved on to the non-fiction supply which is still mostly full of pictures luckily, as those are just as fascinating as the words they include.

Being gentle these past few weeks has mostly been about meeting our needs for sleep, nourishment, learning & social activities. I have been pondering gentle thoughts with regard to how I think about myself and choosing positive and happy thoughts as peaceful and gentle and warm and fuzzy.

Here's hoping my mighty knight dinoguy and king trainboy bring you some warm and fuzzy gentle thoughts. :)

Gentle acceptance

This is a pretty personal post about thoughts for me, so be gentle in reading it, 'kay?

I've been having a hard time writing this post that's been swirling in my head about acceptance. I think it is because it is a personal topic of overcoming my initial defensive reactions to people who hold different views than me on some topics, but whose opinion I value about other topics. So I get concerned about their reaction to learning I think or believe something else about a different topic. Does that make sense?

This is gonna ramble a bit probably.

I had a pretty good day Wednesday, but a few things came up that started me thinking about the Why to several things I believe again. Why so many things. You know, when you aren't sure what you think about a topic, you spend a lot of time reading and thinking about it, asking questions, discussing it, and the like. But with some topics you reach a point where you know what you think and don't have to ask "Why" so much. You are comfortable with that being your way of doing things. But then those questions might flare up again when you can't clearly state your reasons for believing something when questioned. (Because I am NOT blessed with the gift of people speak.)

My internal response in possible situations like these where I think someone is questioning me is to start thinking thru my various responses and holding arguments with people in my head. Not a very gentle thing to do. And then there are the paranoid beliefs about what people think about me and figuring out how to "prove" to them that they are wrong (despite the fact that they have not said anything giving credence to my paranoia.) This generally leads to obsessing about what if "they" think this about me, and how "they" are wrong. Okay, I hope you don't think I'm crazy by now! This isn't a super frequent thing I promise! And it is really rooted in personal insecurities about being accepted.

So all of this is based on my feeling judged or misunderstood by people and automatically going on the defensive. In pondering and thinking about a few of these things, I found the idea of acceptance. I believe in accepting that as humans we all have different views and beliefs about things and that's okay. We just don't all have to be the same. Why do I do things the way I do? Because it works for me & mine. If your thing works for you and yours, awesome. I accept that. It's different to me from tolerance. I think I am using these words differently than they are defined b/c to me tolerance implies enduring and judging silently while acceptance implies just peacefully allowing people their choices, and liking them for who they are.

Now this doesn't imply approval of choices, but acceptance of who someone is. The thing is, I'm trying to choose to accept people for who they are instead of considering their differences as challenges to who I am. When I choose to not argue in my head, but accept people for their differences, I feel more peaceful and calm.

And I believe that acceptance is a kind of love, especially when you may not agree with someones choices or beliefs. Perhaps that is where the peaceful calm comes from. Choosing love instead of argument or war. Internal or external. Learning and choosing to accept myself and my choices and be comfortable with that around others. That is how acceptance is gentle thoughts.

Here are some kind of similar thoughts in a much better wording from someone else that a friend shared with me recently: Link to don't explain (Go read it, it's really good, I didn't copy & paste b/c of my own copyright concerns.)

Gentle living

How do I become more gentle and live a more gentle life?

I have been musing and pondering the word gentle for several weeks now. It has reminded me to be kinder to myself when I have heard derogatory comments coming out of me. The word has reminded me to speak in gentle tones. It has been with me for a while. I like this word "gentle".

But how can I be a more gentle person? I keep waiting for the BIG change I'm going to make to become a more gentle person in my life, but I don't think this is about the big things. It is about the small and simple things that come from pondering and musing about this word. I'm glad I have all year. It will be fascinating to see if I feel very different after this year of gentle. I hope so.

Be gentle.

Gentle

Some thoughts and musings about the word gentle.

Dictionary definitions

Gentle parenting - to me, this encompasses ideas I've gotten from books like Unconditional Parenting, Raising our Children, Raising ourselves, & Connection parenting this past year. It means not using punishments, threats or raising my voice. I'm still working on it. It means really considering and being respectful of my children's needs and wants and honoring their agency and choices.

Gentle inward thoughts - Eliminating or at least being aware of and dealing with my negative self talk that leads to self destructive choices. (Over eating, procrastination, bad attitudes...)

Gentle outward thoughts - Being charitable and loving towards others. Not judging others. Thinking the best of others and being positive and hopeful in my interactions.

Gentle words - A soft answer turneth away wrath (Prov. 15:1). If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. :) The stroke of the whip maketh marks in the flesh: but the stroke of the tongue breaketh the bones (Ecclesiasticus 28:17). Our words, like our deeds, should be filled with faith and hope and charity. (Jeffrey R. Holland, great talk here.)

I don't want to yell, I don't want to have a harsh tone in my voice. I want a gentle voice full of gentle words. Uplifting words that help and heal.

Gentle life - Being gentle to myself means taking care of myself. Meeting the needs of my body, listening to those needs, just as I try to meet the needs of my children. This really encompasses all of those eat better, lose weight, exercise regularly resolutions people make to some degree, but I want it to BE part of me, not just something I do. I think this part comes more from the gentle thoughts shaping who I am. It also can be about environmentalism and my footprint on this beautiful earth. An electric car is still something we want to buy when we can afford it. Recycling, composting, gardening, using mass transportation, conservation, reusing...

I really feel though that these things have to come from a strong inward change in order to be lasting choices, which is part of living by this word for this year is what I am going to try. I think I will put these things in a sidebar. :) For me, 2008 is the year of becoming gentle.

Lovely Song - This has been a song I have liked since I was a teenager. It is soft and quiet and lovely. If you haven't heard it, I recommend it. :)

Lyrics for Gentle by Michael McLean

Like a gentle wind can blow
The clouds from the sky,
Like a gentle touch can ease
The pain of good-bye,
Like a gentle smile embraces
Empty souls in lonely places,
We should be more gentle with ourselves.

Like the friend who gently
Builds us up when we’re down,
Like a gentle kiss can turn
Our world around.
We've been hurt by others often;
We’ve been forgiven and forgotten;
We should be as gentle with ourselves.
Life can be hard but we
Need not be so hard on ourselves,
If we will see…

Like the Shepherd leads his flock
With gentle commands,
With his gentle voice that
Only hearts can understand,
One thing we can know for certain,
He has borne the awful burden
So we can be gentle with ourselves.

One thing that I know for certain:
He will bear my every burden,
So I can be gentle with myself.