Unconditional Parenting in Practice

I really loved the book. I loved all the research included. I enjoy Alfie Kohn's writing style. So I decided to start changing my parenting style.

I'm still dealing with stopping myself from making threats, giving time outs, and withholding love. I'm still dealing with knowing how to say no at the store to my kids requests, but do it respectfully and with a good reason, and when is it okay to say no, versus saying yes on the little things?

I'm still dealing with a son who thrives on praise because that's what he's dealt with for almost 5 years, so how do I help him understand how proud I am of him all of the time without constantly telling him how I approve like I am used to doing?

On the positive side of the coin, I have found more patience and understanding in really listening to my boys needs and in giving hugs immediately and holding them as long as they want to. I see that my son likes the explanations of why something isn't okay and that he wants to immediately try again at stuff to do it right, instead of taking a time out. I am enjoying time with my kids more - which is so good, because having kids should be enjoyable.

Two anecdotes:

I was at Home Depot for the 37th time this week and trying to find the right kind of mulch. L was pushing a cart all around when he ran into someone. I saw it happen, I saw him immediately veer off and start pushing the cart again without any acknowledgement of what had happened. I called him to come talk to me, using my best calm and polite voice. The woman looked at me and said "He ran me over!" in an indignant voice. (She was still standing, so this was a bit of an overstatement.) I said "I understand." and calmly turned my attention to L. I asked him what had happened and how he felt and how he thought the lady felt. The thing that surprised me is he said he felt angry because he had not turned the cart right and had hit her. Suddenly, I saw the whole situation in a different light. He had been practicing his cart driving skills and had an accident. He was upset and wanted to practice more. I asked him how he would feel if he got hit by the cart and he didn't really know or want to think about it, I'm not sure. I explained that the lady probably felt sad and had been hurt and maybe it would be nice to say sorry. (She had already walked off in a huff, apparently because I hadn't barked out a command for him to apologize.) He said he didn't want to, and since I was ready to leave, I said, okay, let's go. That's a big deal to me, as I normally would have forced him to apologize immediately, but I decided to try the whole "work with" your child thing in the situation. :) We started to leave and he said he'd changed his mind and wanted to apologize. We had to walk around a bit to find her and he was acting shy, so I said he wanted to say something and he mumbled out "Sorry." and she said "Thank you." and turned and went about her business. L asked to try again at driving the shopping cart so I let him get another one and watched as he carefully manuevered it thru several aisles, before asking him if we could go. We left, both in a good mood and calm, L talking about his good driving skills.

Allowing myself to not care what the lady thought immediately and tending to my childs' needs was a good step for me. The whole situation could have played out so differently!

Another anecdote is when I took the kids to lunch at Potbelly's one day and the each immediately ran and got a bottled drink. Normally, I would have immediately vetoed those, but I decided that if I wanted one, I would get it, so the same respect should go to them - if they wanted it, they should have it. L further tested me, by asking for chips and then ice cream as well. I got them all of it that time, as I kept telling myself we were out to lunch for a nice relaxing time, and it was a nice treat. What it really made me think about was the article in Live Free Learn Free called "Starbucks Worthy" in a different way. When I had first read that article, I thought I was good about treating my kids well at restaurants. At Potbelly's I realized that wasn't really so. It made me realize that eating out was going to be more expensive - a great deterrent to eating out too much, but also interesting to think about going to the fast food restaurants because, I know that the kids meals are all they usually want there. Downside: I don't like any of the food at all. BK has the veggie burger that is okay - but at Wendy's it's a baked potato and salad. So again - another reason not to eat out much.

A possibly related part of this is now L asks for food at pretty much every store that has any type of restaurant, Target included, even if we just ate before coming to the store. I remind him of this and he proclaims "But I'm still hungry!" I still think of this as him testing his new limits - though it's hard to say. I can't just stop taking my kids with me to the store, so I have to figure something out about it. I guess it is something I really need to think about, but I'd love to know what others do. The little things don't bug me, but when I've just fed them breakfast or lunch and they want another meal at the store, it does frustrate me. I remember being a kid. I remember just wanting to try stuff at the store because it was new and different. Perhaps that's all he wants and I should plan a trip to do that - but then on the flip side - whenever we go to the farmer's market - L & H both remember the ice cream booth we went to the first time and run immediately there and ask for ice cream. Can I not go to the farmer's market with them without buying ice cream now?

Great Hair Day & Other Fun things

Yesterday was a great hair day. My curls looked awesome. I love good hair days, they are more frequent now, but a great hair day is serendipitous. Everything goes better on a great hair day.

L made a fishing pole out of a stick and a nametag zip line yesterday and was fishing with the phone. It was so cool! I was proud of his creativity.

I was in a very playful mood yesterday, (blame the hair!) and was not a good example, spitting popcorn kernals at people is bad. DH & L sent me to time out! It was awesome. Equal treatment means bad behavior gets punished, even if its Mom who does it. I thought it was a good thing for L to see - that adults get in trouble too, and we can handle it exactly the same as we do with him.

Why was I being so teasing and playful anyway? I'm not really sure, I didn't particularly like my actions, or some of the things I said in teasing, but they just came out. So the time out was good for me. I was laughing a bit, but it helped me come back down to a better place.

L played with a guy friend today and wanted to play "tea party". Love the corrupting influence of his girl cousins! :D

Mmmm... I smell pancakes. I am finding joy in these days that we are spending preparing to move and it feels great. :)

Home Depot Kids Workshops & other thoughts

We went to the free kids workshop at Home Depot today. The project was biplanes.
Here is DH & L working on them:


L has gotten really good at nailing thanks to practice at the kids workshops. He does very well. H is not so much great at nailing though he likes trying, and loves the finished product! Well, they both do:






But pretty much, I made H's with some help from DH. It made me wonder about things that kids think they can do but really can't because their parents have done them for them. How bad is that?

I'm not really sure. It's not really a preschool craft, its aimed at 5-12 yr old kids, but they let us do them with the boys. And they do like the finished project. A LOT. I'd like to think that L has at least learned from it some, about how things are put together. I know he worked on his nailing skills. It wasn't really free play, or child led from the perspective that there are instructions, specific pieces and specific orders to put them together in. Is this really the parents enforcing a set of rules about how the craft turns out and expectations and setting them up to feel inadequate that they can't do it on their own?

If we didn't help them, it wouldn't turn out like the others, and that's what they wanted right? I think it is. I guess I didn't give them enough chances to say what they wanted and how they wanted to do it. L probably could have eventually done it himself with guidance, H just doesn't have the hammer skills yet. What to do? Probably take longer, be more patient and helpful instead of leading and being in charge like I prefer. Even with H. Because he is growing up so fast.

Well we got the package for last months craft that we missed to do with them at home, so I guess I have another chance this month to be good and patient and nice and genuinely helpful. And then there is also Lowe's workshops. ;)

Change of topic

L has really started to get into imaginative play that is genuinely his now. His doggie, who he has named "Fred" and he do many interesting things together and Fred also needs his own sunglasses, swimming pool, and anything else L happens to be doing. He has also tried to lead H in some imaginative home play that he picked up from a cousin I think. It's so fun to see.

While talking with a friend the other day about kids with labels, she talked about a nephew she has with a poor home life where the babysitter allows him to "run wild" all day. The phrase really struck me and made me wonder. What does it mean to "run wild". Can adults run wild? If so, is it okay for adults and not okay for kids? I think the meaning of the phrase is important, because I strongly believe in kids having free time to play however they want and do whatever they want. Structure is good in some things, but not all the time. Is that letting them run wild? Or is it when I don't make L put on his clothes until noon because he just wants to wear his PJ's? Or is it allowing them to eat pizza with me for breakfast? Or is it all related to a lack of discipline and cultural understanding of what is okay and acceptable as opposed to what isn't? I haven't decided yet.